It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
