My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
