all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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