my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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