If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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