batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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