I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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