yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
