WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
ok first of all what the fuck
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
