After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
