I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
