If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
