I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
