So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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