is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
