I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
