so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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