i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
