does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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