Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
