you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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