My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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