The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
