Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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