just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
