Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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