I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
