You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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