I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
