Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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