Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
