Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
