I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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