I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
