What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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