why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
