I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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