I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
