forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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