Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
