I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
