you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
