Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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