The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
