This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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