If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
