i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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