I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Randomize
