we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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