She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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