Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
