I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
