i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
