I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
