I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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