I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
