Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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